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Some thoughts from today

価値観

After a satisfying getaway, I was quite looking forward to seeing a few folks from work. We get along well (for the most part) and have these gatherings periodically, which turn out to be fun nights. Today was no exception - good food, good drinks, good conversations; and when I say good conversations, I'm not necessarily talking about the content, but rather the whole situation and how conversations are handled. There were seven of us in total today, and no one was ever left out from a conversation. Usually there would be two or three conversations going on simultaneously, and it would be extremely easy to switch from one to another, or just chirp into multiple discussions.

Towards the end though, things started to get uncomfortable. As a whole, I would definitely give the night a passing score, but I was upset enough to come back home and feel my heart getting stabbed with some dull blade. Subsequently, I shed tears for quite a long time.

I have a very clear line between a 'friend' and others. If you're a friend, then you have my trust, and I expect something similar in return. In addition to being mutual, being a friend means my thoughts are free to flow in your presence. Honest thoughts, too. When you're not a friend, you mustn't try to step into that zone. It's absolutely horrifying, how some people have no manners whatsoever. No, I did not let you into my room. And no, you may not trample in with your dirt-caked outdoor shoes. I wouldn't push the red emergency button without warning (because that metal shutter would probably behead you), so when I give signs telling you to back off, then you back off.

Today, people didn't back off. They were so interested in other people's personal lives. Sure, I can talk about my personal life, but a restricted section does exist, obviously. Taking a step back apparently means "take another step forward" to some others. I step back because I am uncomfortable telling others my true thoughts, my situation, my emotions. But when people press me, I would have to mutter something in return - and in almost all cases, these are false words that do not do justice. They're concocted, faulty, and absolutely misrepresentative of me. I don't even know why I'm pushing out these words. Yap yap yap, oh wait, are we talking about Persona A here? Or was it Persona B? Damn it, did I mix up Persona C and D?

Lies are hard to tell, especially since I was trained (deliberate word usage here) to tell lies as I grew up. I deceived to protect my sole rights, my dignity, my relationships, and the list continues with a few more critical things that people need balanced in their lives. So whenever I have to tell a lie, it feels incredibly wrong. My heart beats fast, I feel my face flush (thankfully my face doesn't redden so much and won't be an obvious giveaway), and I just want to disappear. Maybe just perish. I want to sink into nothingness and hope I don't exist. And when I try not to lie as much as possible, I would talk some kind of gibberish under my breath and would not give a clear answer to a question. When someone presses again, then I have to stupidly agree with whatever option that will get me in lesser trouble. It may be lesser trouble for a while, but as it piles up it spins out of control. What am I getting myself into? What mess has this become? I don't even remember what lies I made to whom, and I get some facts mixed up. What a disgusting sight; lies to paint over other lies, then more lies heaped upon it to conceal the previous lies... And then here I am, wishing I was a pebble. Or maybe a sesame. Or a chili flake. Whatever small, seemingly harmless, and ignored.